sexless marriage
by John
I have a sexless marriage. I’m 24 years old and have been married for 2 years now. I met my wife 4 years ago and at that time we had a great sexual relationship. I always thought I pleased her and she never seemed to complain. After we got married the frequency in which we had sex started to reduce. We were having sex at least once a week, but now I would be lucky if I have sex with her once in 6 months! It’s killing our marriage and I have thought about looking elsewhere to have an affair. However, I love my wife and really don’t want to do this, but my hormones are telling me to do this. I have talked to my wife about this and she just says that she doesn’t feel any need to have sex. Clearly her sex drive has gone down and this is affecting our relationship so much. I don’t want to remain in a sexless marriage, but at the same time, I don’t want to have a life without sex. Does anyone have any advice to help?
Sexless marriage
Sexless marriage is common and is a major cause of relationship breakdown. There are many reasons for this including a reduced Sex drive , also known as low libido, physical reasons such as illness, relationship problems and psychological reasons. It sounds like your wife has lost her libido or need to have sex. A low female libido is much more common than a loss of male desire with figures of up to 40% quoted in comparison to men, where it is less than 5%. Low sex drive is often transient, affecting the individual at some point in their life as a consequence of either a physical illness causing pain or discomfort during intercourse or psychological reasons. Male sex drive is normally greater than in women. As a result of this, low libido in men seems to be much less common. Erectile dysfunction (inability to maintain a full erection) is much more common than low libido although the reasons for this are often similar to those that affect the libido. This can cause conflict in a marriage as there is disparity of need for sex. The significance of this shouldn't be underestimated. Sex is an integral part of a loving relationship and a sexless marriage can put a significant strain on the relationship, as it has in yours.
What can be done about it? Communication in a sexless marriage is so important. Forgetting your partner in this will often lead to relationship breakdown and eventually divorce. Are there ways of improving the situation? The answer is yes. If your partner has a physical illness causing low libido then clearly this needs addressing and in theory, by treating that illness, libido may increase. If there is no illness and the issue is pure loss of libido, then marriage guidance may help in this situation. Trying to give your partner a better understanding of your needs and desires and looking at ways of dealing with this need. If there are psychological reasons, then these need to be addressed too.
Maybe the reason your wife’s libido has reduced is because of boredom in your sex life rather than a pure loss of libido. Trying to spice up your sex life may help. Look at innovative ways of having sex. Remember that foreplay is so important to a woman. Try to get her in the mood for sex, perhaps by wining and dining her, complimenting her, making her feel special. Remember, sex isn’t just the act of intercourse, it’s the senses of touch, feel, taste and smell that are very important too and will help to gain her arousal. If your wife doesn’t want sex, don’t have it. Perhaps just by helping to stimulate her interest by cuddling, massage, holding each other may start to increase her desire in due course. Take things one step at a time.
Ultimately, some sexless marriages do fail and you have to be accepting of this fact. If you love your wife in this situation, you ultimately have to ask yourself if your relationship is enough without sex and this is something only you can answer.
